If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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