Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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