I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
