I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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