Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
