Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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