watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
