You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
