She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
