i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
