I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
