Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Randomize
