Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
