I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
