Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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