Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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