you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
