Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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