my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
