Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
