Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Enjoy the penises
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
