i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
