The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i will never coherently bang her
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
