Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
