too bad you live with your parents still
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
