my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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