I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I need a beard to bite.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
