i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
