mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
