This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
