dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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