Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
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