my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
