So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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