Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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