I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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