So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
