i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
