You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
