Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
