I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
