and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize
