so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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