Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
