I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
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370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
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