I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
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