So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
As shirtless as possible
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
