WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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