If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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