remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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