found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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