so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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