Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
