someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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