What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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