2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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