I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
